You want to know why shit happens? You do not believe monotheism, buddhism, nuclear physics and McDonalds? Luzifer tells you why shit happens and how to live with it ...

How to cope with the most predominant fact in life:
Shit Happens
Comparing world religions, philosophies & ideologies

Shit happens - no doubt about that. But why? And how to live with it?
This is what they will tell you:
Christian churches: Catholicism, Lutheranism, Calvinism, Protestantism, Anglicanism, Orthodoxism
Other christian congregations: Mormonism, Baptism, 7th Day Adventism, Jehovah's Witnesses
Other monotheistic religions: Judaism, Islam (moderate), Islam (fundamentalistic)

Eastern religions: Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Shintoism, Tantrism
Greek philosophies: Stoicism, Hedonism, Cynism
Anti-religious philosophies: Atheism, Agnosticism, Nihilism, Satanism (organized), Satanism (individualistic)
Animistic religions: Pantheism, Polytheism, Shamanism, Mysticism, Voodoo, Wicca, Paganism

New Age religions: New Age, New Age (Hardcore), Hippie, Preastronauticism, Atlantism
Professional brain washing: Hare Krishna, Scientology, Davidianism (and the like)
Social ideologies: Capitalism, McDonald-Disneyism, Communism, Fascism
Liberation ideologies: Black Muslimism, Feminism
Modern pseudo-religions: World conspiracy paranoia, Rock'n'Roll, Galactic Hitchhikerism
Sciences: Psycho Analysis, Nuclear Physics

Luzifer's answer

The Prophet's comment: If you do not think this is funny, try reading it once more. There is a lot of thought behind most of the gags and puns. If you understand shit as a metaphor for matter, for sheer existence ... Advocatus Diaboli's comment: Don't believe a single word he says. This is just a page of jokes intending to insult your religious feelings. There is no deeper meaning in shit.
Shit ... just happens!

  • If shit happens, you deserved it.
  • You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
  • Lutheranism
  • Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's okay.
  • Calvinism
  • Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
  • Protestantism
  • If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
  • If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
  • Anglicanism
  • It's true, shit does happen - but only to Lutherans.
  • Orthodoxism
  • St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
  • If excrement happens, shun it.
  • Our excrement is better than your excrement.
  • Pay us 10% and we will tell you how excrement happens.
  • Baptism
  • You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
  • We'll wash the shit right off you.
  • 7th Day Adventism
  • Shit happens on Saturdays.
  • Jehovah's Witnesses
  • Knock Knock "Do you know that Shit Happens?"
  • No shit happens until Armaggedon.
  • There is only a limited amount of good shit.
  • Here, we insist you take our shit.
  • Shit happens door to door.
  • Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens.
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • Why does shit always happen to us?
  • Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
  • Islam (moderate)
  • If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
  • Islam (fundamentalistic)
  • Don't take any shit - take hostages!
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • Confucious say, "Shit happens".
  • Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen properly."
  • Taoism
  • Shit happens, so flow with it.
  • If you understand shit, it isn't shit.
  • Buddhism
  • If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
  • If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.
  • Shit will happen again to you next time.
  • Hinduism
  • I've seen this shit before.
  • This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
  • This shit happening is you.
  • Shintoism
  • You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
  • Tantrism
  • Say "Shit Happens". Say "Shit Happens". Say "Shit Happens".
  • Fuck this shit.
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • Never mind. I won't touch this shit.
  • Hedonism
  • Shit is fun. Enjoy it!
  • Cynism
  • We all are full of shit.
  • Live in the shit!
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • I don't believe this shit.
  • It looks and smells like shit, so I'll be damned if I'm going to taste it.
  • Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
  • Agnosticism
  • It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
  • I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
  • How can we know if shit happens?
  • You can't prove any of this shit.
  • Nihilism
  • Shit! It happened again.
  • Satanism (organized)
  • We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
  • We will make your shit happen.
  • Satanism (individualistic)
  • Mind your own shit!
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • The universe is full of shit. Wonderful shit!
  • Polytheism
  • Holy shit, there are lots of THEM!
  • Shit happens when THEY shit on one another.
  • Shamanism
  • Whoaa ... Holy Shit!
  • Mysticism
  • This is really weird shit.
  • Voodoo
  • Shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you.
  • Let's stick some pins in this shit!
  • This shit's gonna get you.
  • Wicca
  • Shit happens to be male.
  • The great mother shits nicer.
  • Paganism
  • Shit happens. Let's celebrate it.
  • We don't talk shit, we live it.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    New Age
  • It isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
  • I create my own shit.
  • If shit happens, honor it and share it.
  • We are all part of the same shit.
  • For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
  • New Age (Hardcore)
  • Shit happens because we forgot.
  • Shit will end in 2011 when we all will be teleported into the 12th dimension of shit.
  • Hippie
  • Yeah, shit happens, but feel the vibes about it.
  • Never shit twice in the same place.
  • Preastronauticism
  • THEY built the shit. Every shit in the world.
  • Atlantism
  • THEY shit before us.
  • THEY shit better than us.
  • THEY shit too much so it all came to an end.
  • If shit happens to you it's only because you remember.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    Hare Krishna
  • Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
  • She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
  • she-it, she-it ... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
  • Please this flower and buy our shit.
  • Scientology
  • All this happens to be shit.
  • Let shit happen to everyone else.
  • For $30.000 more we will show you really how much shit it is.
  • If you leave us, really bad shit will happen to you.
  • Davidianism
    (and the like)
  • You all are shit, but I am the biggest heap of shit you'll ever see.
  • Let them eat shit. (POW, POW, RA-TA-TA-TA- ...)
  • Back to the main shit menu

  • Shit happens, shit sells.
  • You don't know but you need that shit.
  • Buy that shit!
  • McDonald-Disneyism
  • Shit doesn't happen. Never. This is a decent neighbourhood.
  • Eat shit!
  • Communism
  • Shit happens because the big guys shit on the small guys.
  • Shit on everything that creates shit!
  • Let's share the shit.
  • We don't know where all the shit went.
  • Fascism
  • Shit wouldn't happen if those foreigners wouldn't shit on our turf.
  • Removing shit keeps shit from happening.
  • Let's work together and pile up a real big heap of shit.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    Black Muslimism
  • My shit from now on is called Muhammad.
  • Brothers shit together.
  • Let's show them motherfuckers what shit reeeeeally means.
  • Feminism
  • Shit is male.
  • We won't take any shit anymore.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    World conspiracy paranoia
  • THEY shit on us.
  • Dig deep into the shit to find out.
  • When someone finds out, shit happens to him.
  • Rock'n'Roll
  • It's one for the money, two for the shit
  • three, why don't you go for it?
  • Galactic Hitchhikerism
  • 43, baby. And don't panic! (More about this)
  • Back to the main shit menu

    Psycho Analysis
  • Shit happened to you.
  • Tell me about your shit.
  • That will be $3.000.
  • Nuclear Physics
  • Let us cut shit into ever smaller pieces to see if it is made of shit.
  • Let us accelerate shit to see if it turns into energy.
  • Sorry, we don't know shit.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    Luzifer's answer
  • This shit is good for me.
  • We all are shit, but
  • if we all shit enough, we will grow out of the habit.
  • Back to the main shit menu

    Read these related pages:
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    Last Update: July 8th, 2001, 20.00 o'clock
    Last manual check on links on this page: May 6th, 2001

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